new moon(暮光之城-新月英文版)-第40章

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asking。　After　all；　what　Jake　and　I　had　was　more　than　any　schoolyard　romance。　
Stronger。　
He　barked　out　a　bitter　laugh。　〃Hardly。　If　that　were　the　case；　I'd　say　'Let's　
stay　friends。'　I　can't　even　say　
that。〃　
〃Jacob　why？　Sam　won't　let　you　have　other　friends？　Please；　Jake。　You　
promised。　I　need　you！〃　The　
blank　emptiness　of　my　life　before—before　Jacob　brought　some　semblance　of　
reason　back　into　
it—reared　up　and　confronted　me。　Loneliness　choked　in　my　throat。　
〃I'm　sorry；　Bella；〃　Jacob　said　each　word　distinctly　in　a　cold　voice　that　
didn't　seem　to　belong　to　him。　
I　didn't　believe　that　this　was　really　what　Jacob　wanted　to　say。　It　seemed　like　
there　was　something　else　
trying　to　be　said　through　his　angry　eyes；　but　I　couldn't　understand　the　
message。　
Maybe　this　wasn't　about　Sam　at　all。　Maybe　this　had　nothing　to　do　with　the　
Cullens。　Maybe　he　was　just　
trying　to　pull　himself　out　of　a　hopeless　situation。　Maybe　I　should　let　him　do　
that；　if　that's　what　was　best　for　
him。　I　should　do　that。　It　would　be　right。　
But　I　heard　my　voice　escaping　in　a　whisper。　
〃I'm　sorry　that　I　couldn't　before　I　wish　I　could　change　how　I　feel　about　
you；　Jacob。〃　I　was　
desperate；　reaching；　stretching　the　truth　so　far　that　it　curved　nearly　into　
the　shape　of　a　lie。　〃Maybe　
maybe　I　would　change；〃　I　whispered。　〃Maybe；　if　you　gave　me　some　time　just　
don't　quit　on　me　now；　
Jake。　I　can't　take　it。〃　
His　face　went　from　anger　to　agony　in　a　second。　One　shaking　hand　reached　out　
toward　me。　
〃No。　Don't　think　like　that；　Bella；　please。　Don't　blame　yourself；　don't　think　
this　is　your　fault。　This　one　is　all　
me。　I　swear；　it's　not　about　you。〃　
〃It's　not　you；　it's　me；〃　I　whispered。　〃There's　a　new　one。〃　
〃I　mean　it；　Bella。　I'm　not〃　he　struggled；　his　voice　going　even　huskier　as　he　
fought　to　control　his　emotion。　
His　eyes　were　tortured。　〃I'm　not　good　enough　to　be　your　friend　anymore；　or　
anything　else。　I'm　not　what　I　
was　before。　I'm　not　good。〃　
〃What？〃　I　stared　at　him；　confused　and　appalled。　〃What　are　you　saying？　You're　
much　better　than　I　am；　
Jake。　You　are　good！　Who　told　you　that　you　aren't？　Sam？　It's　a　vicious　lie；　
Jacob！　Don't　let　him　tell　you　
that！〃　I　was　suddenly　yelling　again。　
Jacob's　face　went　hard　and　flat。　〃No　one　had　to　tell　me　anything。　I　know　what　
I　am。〃　
〃You're　my　friend；　that's　what　you　are！　Jake—don't！〃　
He　was　backing　away　from　me。　
〃I'm　sorry；　Bella；〃　he　said　again；　this　time　it　was　a　broken　mumble。　He　turned　
and　almost　ran　into　the　
house。　
I　was　unable　to　move　from　where　I　stood。　I　stared　at　the　little　house；　it　
looked　too　small　to　hold　four　
large　boys　and　two　larger　men。　There　was　no　reaction　inside。　No　flutter　at　the　
edge　of　the　curtain；　no　
sound　of　voices　or　movement。　It　faced　me　vacantly。　
The　rain　started　to　drizzle；　stinging　here　and　there　against　my　skin。　I　
couldn't　take　my　eyes　off　the　house。　
Jacob　would　e　back。　He　had　to。　
The　rain　picked　up；　and　so　did　the　wind。　The　drops　were　no　longer　falling　from　
above；　they　slanted　at　an　
angle　from　the　west。　I　could　smell　the　brine　from　the　ocean。　My　hair　whipped　
in　my　face；　sticking　to　the　
wet　places　and　tangling　in　my　lashes。　I　waited。　
Finally　the　door　opened；　and　I　took　a　step　forward　in　relief。　
Billy　rolled　his　chair　into　the　door　frame。　I　could　see　no　one　behind　him。　
〃Charlie　just　called；　Bella。　I　told　him　you　were　on　your　way　home。〃　His　eyes　
were　full　of　pity。　
The　pity　made　it　final　somehow。　I　didn't　ment。　I　just　turned　robotically　
and　climbed　in　my　truck。　I'd　
left　the　windows　open　and　the　seats　were　slick　and　wet。　It　didn't　matter。　I　
was　already　soaked。　
Not　as　bad！　Not　as　bad！　my　mind　tried　to　fort　me。　It　was　true。　This　wasn't　
as　bad。　This　wasn't　the　
end　of　the　world；　not　again。　This　was　just　the　end　of　what　little　peace　there　
was　left　behind。　That　was　all。　
Not　as　bad；　I　agreed；　then　added；　but　bad　enough。　
I'd　thought　Jake　had　been　healing　the　hole　in　me—or　at　least　plugging　it　up；　
keeping　it　from　hurting　me　so　
much。　I'd　been　wrong。　He'd　just　been　carving　out　his　own　hole；　so　that　I　was　
now　riddled　through　like　
Swiss　cheese。　I　wondered　why　I　didn't　crumble　into　pieces。　
Charlie　was　waiting　on　the　porch。　As　I　rolled　to　a　stop；　he　walked　out　to　meet　
me。　
〃Billy　called。　He　said　you　got　in　fight　with　Jake—said　you　were　pretty　
upset；〃　he　explained　as　he　opened　
my　door　for　me。　
Then　he　looked　at　my　face。　A　kind　of　horrified　recognition　registered　in　his　
expression。　I　tried　to　feel　my　
face　from　the　inside　out；　to　know　what　he　was　seeing。　My　face　felt　empty　and　
cold；　and　I　realized　what　it　
would　remind　him　of。　
〃That's　not　exactly　how　it　happened；〃　I　muttered。　
Charlie　put　his　arm　around　me　and　helped　me　out　of　the　car。　He　didn't　ment　
on　my　sodden　clothes。　
〃Then　what　did　happen'〃　he　asked　when　we　were　inside。　He　pulled　the　afghan　off　
the　back　of　the　sofa　as　
he　spoke　and　wrapped　it　around　my　shoulders。　I　realized　I　was　shivering　still。　
My　voice　was　lifeless。　〃Sam　Uley　says　Jacob　can't　be　my　friend　anymore。〃　
Charlie　shot　me　a　strange　look。　〃Who　told　you　that？〃　
〃Jacob；〃　I　stated；　though　that　wasn't　exactly　what　he'd　said。　It　was　still　
true。　
Charlie's　eyebrows　pulled　together。　〃You　really　think　there's　something　wrong　
with　the　Uley　kid？〃　
〃I　know　there　is。　Jacob　wouldn't　tell　me　what；　though。〃　I　could　hear　the　water　
from　my　clothes　dripping　
to　the　floor　and　splashing　on　the　linoleum。　〃I'm　going　to　go　change。〃　
Charlie　was　lost　in　thought。　〃Okay；〃　he　said　absently。　
I　decided　to　take　a　shower　because　I　was　so　cold；　but　the　hot　water　didn't　
seem　to　affect　the　
temperature　of　my　skin。　I　was　still　freezing　when　I　gave　up　and　shut　the　water　
off。　In　the　sudden　quiet；　I　
could　hear　Charlie　talking　to　someone　downstairs。　I　wrapped　a　towel　around　me；　
and　cracked　the　
bathroom　door。　
Charlie's　voice　was　angry。　〃I'm　not　buying　that。　It　doesn't　make　any　sense。〃　
It　was　quiet　then；　and　I　realized　he　was　on　the　phone。　A　minute　passed。　
〃Don't　you　put　this　on　Bella！〃　Charlie　suddenly　shouted。　
I　jumped。　When　he　spoke　again；　his　voice　was　careful　and　lower。　〃Bella's　made　
it　very　clear　all　along　that　
she　and　Jacob　were　just　friends　Well；　if　that　was　it；　then　why　didn't　you　
say　so　at　first？　No；　Billy；　I　
think　she's　right　about　this　Because　I　know　my　daughter；　and　if　she　says　
Jacob　was　scared　before—〃　
He　was　cut　off　mid…sentence；　and　when　he　answered　he　was　almost　shouting　
again。　
〃What　do　you　mean　I　don't　know　my　daughter　as　well　as　I　think　I　do！〃　He　
listened　for　a　brief　second；　
and　his　response　was　almost　too　low　for　me　to　hear。　〃If　you　think　I'm　going　to　
remind　her　about　that；　then　
you　had　better　think　again。　She's　only　just　starting　to　get　over　it；　and　
mostly　because　of　Jacob；　I　think。　If　
whatever　Jacob　has　going　on　with　this　Sam　character　sends　her　back　into　that　
depression；　then　Jacob　is　
going　to　have　to　answer　to　me。　You're　my　friend；　Billy；　but　this　is　hurting　my　
family。〃　
There　was　another　break　for　Billy　to　respond。　
〃You　got　that　right—those　boys　set　one　toe　out　of　line　and　I'm　going　to　know　
about　it。　We'll　be　keeping　
an　eye　on　the　situation；　you　can　be　sure　of　that。〃　He　was　no　longer　Charlie；　
he　was　Chief　Swan　now。　
〃Fine。　Yeah。　Goodbye。〃　The　phone　slammed　into　the　cradle。　
I　tiptoed　quickly　across　the　hall　into　my　room。　Charlie　was　muttering　angrily　
in　the　kitchen。　
So　Billy　was　going　to　blame　me。　I　was　leading　Jacob　on　and　he'd　finally　had　
enough。　
It　was　strange；　for　I'd　feared　that　myself；　but　after　the　last　thing　Jacob　had　
said　this　afternoon；　I　didn't　
believe　it　anymore。　There　was　much　more　to　this　than　an　unrequited　crush；　and　
it　surprised　me　that　Billy　
would　stoop　to　claiming　that。　It　made　me　think　that　whatever　secret　they　were　
keeping　was　bigger　than　
I'd　been　imagining。　At　least　Charlie　was　on　my　side　now。　
I　put　my　pajamas　on　and　crawled　into　bed。　Life　seemed　dark　enough　at　the　
moment　chat　I　let　myself　
cheat。　The　hole—holes　now—were　already　aching；　so　why　not？　I　pulled　out　the　
memory—nor　a　real　
memory　that　would　hurt　too　much；　but　the　false　memory　of　Edward's　voice　in　my　
mind　this　
afternoon—and　played　it　over　and　over　in　my　head　until　I　fell　asleep　with　the　
tears　still　streaming　calmly　
down　my　empty　face。　
It　was　a　new　dream　tonight。　Rain　was　falling　and　Jacob　was　walking　soundlessly　
beside　me；　though　
beneath　my　feet　the　ground　crunched　like　dry　gravel。　But　he　wasn't　my　Jacob；　
he　was　the　new；　bitter；　
graceful　Jacob。　The　smooth　suppleness　of　his　walk　reminded　me　of　someone　else；　
and；　as　I　watched；　his　
features　started　to　change。　The　russet　color　of　his　skin　leached　away；　leaving　
his　face　pale　white　like　
bone。　His　eyes　turned　gold；　and　then　crimson；　and　then　back　to　gold　again。　His　
shorn　hair　twisted　in　the　
breeze；　turning　bronze　where　the　wind　touched　it。　And　his　face　became　so　
beautiful　that　it　shattered　my　
heart。　I　reached　for　him；　but　he　took　a　step　away；　raising　his　hands　like　a　
shield。　And　then　Edward　
vanished。　
I　wasn't　sure；　when　I　woke　in　the　dark；　if　I'd　just　begun　crying；　or　if　my　
tears　had　run　while　I　slept　and　
simply　continued　now。　I　stared　at　my　dark　ceiling。　I　could　feel　that　it　was　
the　middle　of　the　night—I　was　
s